Unfailing Love

I haven't given a health update on Hayden in a while mostly because I figured you were tired of hearing about it and because honestly, I am tired of him being sick.

I have exhausted many resources and am not done yet. I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. You know, the ones we all think are crazy. However, I am beginning to think they are not all so crazy after all. I don't eat very healthy and never really have. I mean who doesn't love Franco's...man I miss that place. I have never even put much thought into my health. I have been comfortable with the status quo just living day to day like everyone else.

That is until I realized that it wasn't about me. I struggled to breastfeed an extremely jaundice newborn whose bilirubin level was so high that he was too lethargic to eat. But, I didn't give up. I pumped in the wee hours of the morning as I watched him sleep in the suitcase looking contraption under the bili lights on our hope chest. I slept on the floor right beside him because if I couldn't hold him, I just desperately wanted to be near him. I was not able to hold him for the first week after he came home unless he was eating or I was changing his diaper. We called it his mini tanning bed. A pediatric home health nurse came every morning and pricked his heel while I held him and then I waited for a call with the results. I would cry every day when I would get the call telling me not yet.

He was still so sweet with his "sunglasses" velcroed to his head

I was heartbroken and it was during these moments that I realized the love I have for him is immeasurable and indescribable. I remember it vividly. I was also very sad at the realization that some people never get to meet their babies on this side of heaven, some have children with terminal illnesses and some are not able to conceive. It was and has been a whirlwind of emotions.

Hayden was diagnosed with hip dysplasia at two weeks old and I was terrified. I remember praying for literally hours a day that he would not have a severe form and require surgery. He didn't and his hips are normal now.

He has a fetal liver calcification, but thankfully it does not seem to be a concern.

He had an upper GI when he was seven weeks old that showed he had reflux. I stopped eating dairy and pretty much everything else and used all the tricks I knew of to help him.

We made our first visit to the children's ER when he was ten weeks old to discover he had a double ear infection. He has had numerous ear infections since even after having tubes put in in December.

During the last year, you name it and he has had it. From cradle cap and baby acne to RSV and croup, he hasn't caught a break yet. (I could name it all, but you get the point.)

He suffers from severe allergies and we are doing everything we can to keep it under control. The allergies lead to coughing and wheezing. Since having RSV in December he has had a cough almost nonstop. His pediatrician and I are not exactly sure what all he is allergic to. The mold count was extremely high here on Friday and he has been absolutely miserable all weekend so it is safe to assume that mold is on the list.

Our overall health is directly related to what we eat and we want nothing more than for him to be healthy, so we are finding ways to hopefully make that happen. I have removed dairy from his diet because milk increases mucous production which in turn leads to ear infections. Many children are intolerant to milk even if they haven't been diagnosed with an allergy. My dad is lactose intolerant so this is very likely. I have him on enriched rice milk. Hopefully, when he is two we can switch. Other than daycare, which I have minimal control over, we try to stay away from processed foods and foods with a lot of additives. He eats a lot of fruits and he l-o-v-e-s chicken. Does he eat perfectly healthy all the time? No. But, we try to make sure the good outweighs the bad. He is also taking several supplements to build up his immune system.

Why am I writing all of this? Several reasons.

I am well aware that I am blessed and I count my blessings every single day. I have never taken this for granted. However, isn't it my job as a mother to want the best for him? I have pushed my tiredness, confusion and frustration down not wanting to seem as though I was unaware of the world of hurt around me. Not a day goes by that I don't think about others who wish they had the opportunity to be tired from waking every two hours to give their baby medicine.

However, my child is chronically ill and a friend told me the other day that it was okay for me to feel all of these things. It wears you down after a while. I have unfailing love for him and I just don't want him to have to be sick all the time. That's all.