Bring It On

You should be forewarned that I'm writing this more for myself than anything else and I am really just venting. I am a writer and when I'm sad or frustrated or mad or confused, I write. It's what I do.

I took Hayden to the doctor today for the fourth time in two weeks and we still don't really have any answers. He has huge lumps in the back of his throat, several enlarged lymph nodes and his tonsils are enlarged. We didn't really get good or bad news today. All of those things are not necessarily bad in and of themselves, but if he doesn't improve, then we have to take the next step to figure out if there is a more serious issue. We go back to the ENT in six weeks for another evaluation. If he hasn't improved, they might have to remove one of the lymph nodes in his neck and send it for biopsy or discuss the possibility of a tonsillectomy.

I will not tiptoe around the fact that they might have to rule out lymphoma. I really, truly don't think that is what we are dealing with and I'm not going to be consumed by fear. Am I worried? Absolutely. Does it make me sad and frustrated that yet again we are dealing with sickness and that lymphoma even has to cross my mind? Certainly. But I have said it before and I will say it again, my God is the same today as He was yesterday. Period. No matter how big or how small this issue is, He will see us through like He has every other time.

We have paid literally thousands of dollars in medical bills in the last two years. This has caused me much financial stress because I am a worrier by nature and we are feeling the effects of the economy just like everyone else. I quit my full-time job to work from home and keep Hayden out of daycare and that came with a smaller paycheck. While the companies Garrett and I work for are stable, there are still the mumblings of financial troubles that linger and we are not ignorant to that fact. It seems as though the financial mountain keeps getting steeper and we are not equipped to climb it.

I am starting to feel like I'm losing the battle, but I will not let that happen. Why? Because God has shown up for us every single time and I know he's not going to let me down now. I should not lack faith, but have it all the more because I have been a recipient of His grace on more occasions than I deserve. I have been through way more than I thought I could handle and am a stronger person because of it.

We discussed on Sunday how sometimes God brings you to nothingness for you to truly see Him. I think back to when we moved here and how we weren't even sure if we were going to be able to buy a house. We didn't hardly know anyone and I still missed my family terribly. I started a job I soon began to hate and really struggled to find my place. Hayden got RSV the week after we got here and it started going downhill from there. It was definitely a low point in my life.

Then I think about how far we've come and know that the glory belongs to the One who brought us here. We bought a house and have turned it into our home. Six months after we moved here, I got pregnant with no idea how we were going to afford another child. We found an amazing church and people to share in community. We received unexpected raises. We have endured surgery after surgery, illness after illness and yet here we are. I found my purpose in my job and was then blessed with the opportunity to work from home when I was trying to figure out how to keep Hayden out of daycare and still provide income. We had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. We somehow find the money to pay our bills every month even when it doesn't make sense on paper. Some may call it coincidence, but there is only one explanation for it all and we certainly can't take the credit for it. He is mighty to save.

I refuse to let the weight of our "burdens" take root in our marriage and the lives of our children. We have each other and we have so many things to be thankful for. We have been put to the test, but many others have fought harder battles than this. I'm just glad I don't have to fight it alone.

I am not trying to sugarcoat the facts and pretend that I don't struggle with these things. However, I know this:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
his mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning
 
And that is why I wake up every morning and keep on going. That is also why we forgive the unforgivable, love the unlovable and reach the unreachable...why we love the orphan and the widow and the homeless and the addict. His mercies are new every morning. It's a simple truth. It's not about religion. It's about loving people no matter where they are because that is what Christ has done for us. I haven't always done this right, but I have learned much since then.

So, what now? I trudge onward, pray fervently and keep fighting the good fight. I prepare myself for the next curveball and to the world I say BRING. IT. ON.