Do Over

Sometimes I wish I had a rewind button where I could go back and erase all of the not so great moments and overwrite them with a more graceful story. It has been one of those weeks. 

It started with me being out of town for four days for work and went downhill from there. I lost my patience. I didn't choose kind words. I got frustrated with my schedule and let the chaos of it all get to me. I failed to remember that people close to us will do hurtful things and our response should still always be love. I didn't seek joy. I was a mess. And not even a hot mess. 

I forgot to mention that we ALL FIVE had the stomach bug the week before. 

I don't know how all mothers feel, but I admire those who seem to flawlessly dance through motherhood without any missteps. I often feel like I can't even hear the music much less keep the rhythm, stepping on toes as I go. 

The good news is there is a Savior who will sweep me off my feet and help me find my place when I forget how to dance. And he will do it as many times as I ask. 

Tomorrow is another day with new mercies. I don't get a do over, but I will try harder. I'll tell my husband I'm proud of him and try not to get so irritated at the fact that we are not wired the same. I will remind myself to be slow to anger and quick to love. I will look into six beautiful little eyes - four brown, two blue - and tell them how much I love them. Lord, please let those be the words my children remember. 

And I'll drink coffee. Lots of coffee. I'm certain it comes straight from heaven.

 

Mud Brothers

The boys were playing outside with the water hose yesterday and found a corner in the yard that is mostly dirt and before long it turned to a muddy mess. By the time I realized exactly how much of a mess it was they were already rolling around in it like pigs. For a moment I thought about telling them to stop and clean up before it got worse, but then I decided that it was just mud and the smiles on their faces were worth much more than the yard and the scrubbing I would have to do later. So instead, I got my camera and took pictures of the mud slinging.

There is a lesson to be learned in seeing the world through our children's eyes. I read something today that struck me to the core..."You mother as well as you know your Father." On my worst days, have I pressed into Jesus? When I lose my patience, have I reminded myself of the countless times I have failed and been forgiven? Am I sacrificing myself daily to show my kids the kind of love that can only come from Jesus? Where does my joy come from and how will my children remember me? Do I choose grace over anger and frustration?

I am a work in progress. But I am thankful for a Father who continually pursues me and gently whispers, "it's just mud" to a frazzled and worn out mom who often forgets to fight for joy amidst the chaos.

Happy Mother's Day!

This time of year is always bittersweet for me. My babies all have birthdays in March, April and May. It is a wonderful time to celebrate their lives, but also a reminder that they are a year older and growing up faster than I can keep up with.

Motherhood is hard and sometimes messy, yet beautifully fulfilling. Some of us found our way here easily. Others suffered through this holiday tirelessly hoping they would one day join the club. Many are still waiting. There are mothers who have lost their children far too soon. And there are children, young and old, who are stung with the absence of their mothers on this day.

Wherever we find ourselves today, may we meet it head on with eucharisto. Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy.  And may I never take for granted the challenge and calling set before me to mother these three precious children.

Mercedes Ann Jost, we are missing you today. How I wish they could have met you.
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Sleep Tight from Lindsey Jost on Vimeo.

Psalm 16

I get asked a lot how I manage working from home with three small kids and it is only by the grace of God. That is not just a cliche statement I'm making. I truly have to pray every day for patience, endurance, kindness and understanding or I would go 100% absolutely crazy. It is hard. Very hard. And sometimes it's not pretty. I would by lying if I said it was. 

However, this is my calling. I am certain of that. I have made sacrifices such as a more prestigious job title, a bigger paycheck, a nicer car, going to grad school, buying new things. However, I do not feel as though I have been cheated. Quite the opposite actually. I am a better person today because of these things and my sacrifice pales in comparison to the sacrifice Jesus has made for me.

Many things in this life are fleeting, but the love of Jesus is eternal and if I do nothing else right I pray that my children know and experience that love.

Psalm 16
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
    you hold my lot. 
 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

You make known to me the path of life;
    in your presence there is fullness of joy;
    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Yes, indeed, I do have a beautiful inheritance and they are the best song I'll ever write.




 

 

We Could All Learn Something

If you want to know what it looks like to live life with a servant's heart, just take a look at the Facebook page created a few months ago when Christie discovered she had cancer again. This page as well as her personal page are a testament to the life she led. Literally hundreds of people speak of her courage, faith, strength and how they were blessed just to have known her. She loved and served others so well. THIS is how we should all live our lives. What a beautiful legacy she has left for her children and all that were lucky enough to know her.

A Day in the Life of a Work at Home Mom

Kelly from Kelly's Korner is doing a "Week in the Life" series on her blog this week and I thought I would join because I've actually been thinking a lot about this lately.

The last year has BY FAR been one of the most challenging years for me in so many ways. Sure, I don't have to drive an hour commute twice a day every day anymore and exploit my road rage tendencies. I can wear my pajamas or holey yoga pants or even my underwear if I want to at my desk. But anyone who is a stay-at-home or work-at-home mom knows that it is hard work and I have certainly learned to respect that even more. I'm not going to argue the pros and cons of moms who work out of the home vs. stay-at-home-moms vs. work-at-home moms because let's face it, it is all hard. I just know that for me personally, I have been pushed to limits I didn't even know existed and I have not always met those challenges with grace.

I struggle on a daily basis to find balance and learn that there are some things you have to let go. We had an awesome service at church yesterday and Revelations 2:4 keeps going through my head - Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. He also posed the question that if we were to ask our spouse to examine our heart over the last week, what would they see? Ouch. We can continually serve with our hands and our feet, but it is all for not if the desire to serve and love others is not coming from the heart and a deep relationship with our Father. He should be our first love.

Some days I am certain that it is only by the grace of God that I even make it through the day only to wake up and do it all wrong again the next day. Both of my "paying" jobs are very deadline driven and I have two small children that demand a lot of attention, all of which creates a dangerous cocktail of insanity. I am stressed. I am tired. I am edgy. I am anxious. I am angry. I am a lot of things that I should not be. His grace is sufficient and He always carries me through, yet I get so caught up in the race that I lose sight of the One who is cheering for me every step of the way. 


I received an email last week from a friend titled Motherhood as a Mission Field. Many of you may have also seen it. The whole article is eye-opening, but here is an excerpt that struck home:


So, if mothers are strategically situated to impact missions so greatly, why do we see so little coming from it?  I think the answer to this is quite simple: sin. Discontent, pettiness, selfishness, resentment. Christians often feel like the right thing to do is to be ashamed about what we have. We hear that quote of Jim Elliot’s and think that we ought to sell our homes and move to some place where they need the gospel.

But I’d like to challenge you to look at it differently. Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home, or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any difference there if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions, but not for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

 
God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers.
...........

I admit that some days I find myself wishing that I could go back to the office job and go to Starbuck's on the corner and have lunch in peace with my co-workers and work normal hours. Yet as chaotic as things may be, I have two choices - to feel as though I am losing the battle and let worries overcome my life or to take this opportunity I have been given to disciple my children everyday and to serve others and serve them well. It truly saddens me to think that my children have not been given my best because I let work, finances and things that don't really matter gain most of my time and energy.

I have been trying to manage my time better, though that usually means I work a lot at night after the boys have gone to bed. I decided that some days it is okay for me to take a nap when they do when I went to bed at 3 a.m. the night before. I simply cannot be everything to everyone and I just have to do the best I can. My house is not spotless. I don't always get to take a shower everyday. The laundry doesn't always get put away. Calls and texts go unanswered. My goal is to no longer just try to survive the day, but to revel in each God given moment, to laugh at the unexpected, to find goodness when it seems there is none and to keep pursuing my first love so that I may more fully love others.

I didn't actually outline what my day looks like, but I'll save that for another post. This explains a lot. :)

Love

I have a lot of things to blog about and have several posts started, but today I just wanted to share this story with you. Everything else seems irrelevant right now.

How can they hear.org

I only hope that I can love Jesus and show His love to my children like these people have.

I was going to make and send Valentine cards until the photo shoot with the boys was a fail yesterday. I'm trying to plan Hudson's birthday party and I have so many ideas and so little time and money. I have several projects waiting to be completed. We have made some big life changing decisions. My house is messy. Life is hard. But all of those things are temporary. This life and all of its ugliness will vanish when we meet our Maker in Heaven and we should strive to live life every single day as if that day could be today.

Hallelujah! What a Savior

We are blessed to be a part of an absolutely amazing church. I can't say enough about this place. It has changed our lives. I've gone to church for a very long time and I can't really explain what happens here. Every time you leave, you feel like you have just been punched in the gut in the best possible way. These people really, truly get what it means to love Jesus and love others.

Every time I'm at church I can't help but think about how I want to bring everyone I know and even those I don't there so they can be a part of such a loving, giving, God-glorifying place. I only hope that those around me can catch a glimpse of that through me.  I have learned so much there and from the people in our misssional community that we share life with.

We started the Christmas series, "Hallelujah, What a Savior" today and it is so refreshing to hear a Christmas series that extends beyond Jesus being born in a manger one starry night to the virgin Mary. Yes, that is an epic event that should be celebrated, but it is easy to remember to seek Him when the lights are strung, the presents are wrapped and Christmas music is blaring on every radio station and in every shopping mall across the country. It is easy to get caught up in all of those things and forget the rest of His story.

What does the word "Hallelujah" mean? We have heard it, sung it and said it many times, but do we really know what it means? It means "praise be to God." It is only used one time in the New Testament in Revelations 19. Read it. Listen to the sermon podcast here.

That is what we should live this life for. So that one day we can shout Hallelujah!

With all of the shopping and activities leading up to Christmas the next few weeks, I'm going to keep asking myself one question, "Is the praise being given to God?" I hope to never lose sight of that.

Count Your Blessings

My thoughts have been pretty deep lately because I have been in a serious funk, but I am a glass half full kind of person and I seriously need to snap out of it. I had a good cry the other day and it's all good.

First and foremost, I should clarify that I am abundantly blessed and truly thankful for this life.

Hayden had to have some bloodwork done the other day to test for mono, immune deficiency, elevated white blood counts and a list of other things and I happened to be by myself with him. He's had blood drawn before for allergy testing and it was not fun then so I was even more anxious this time because he is older and knew what was coming. I psyched myself up for it, had a little talk with Jesus and as any desperate mother would do I told Hayden he could have whatever he wanted when we were done. As I sat there, having to literally hold him down knowing that he was hurting without understanding why, I wept. I say wept because cried would be an understatement. I was a mess and the phlebotomist probably thought I was nuts. I wept for my child for obvious reasons, but even more so I wept for the mothers who have to endure so much more than we have. The ones who have children with cancer or a terminal illness and have to deal with that every single day. It was about so much more than the blood draw that only lasted a few minutes and we certainly survived through. When you take the time to think about the world around you, you will surely find goodness in your own life. And next time I know to ask for Lidocaine. :)

Hayden's doctor told me the other day that we have essentially done everything we can for him and he is probably just going to be sick all the time. As sad and frustrated as this makes me and as much as it sucks to actually say this, I am thankful that as far as we know he only has chronic sinusitis, asthma, allergies and tonsillitis to name a few. I hate it for him, but that is our normal and we just keep on doing the best we can.

My co-worker recently lost her mother to a ten-year battle with early onset Alzheimer's. I went to dinner with her the other night and felt ashamed at how much I had let the small stuff get to me. She shared with me about how she rode with her mom in the ambulance from the hospital to their home where she would be receiving Hospice care and it was the first time in years her mother had been coherent and even knew who she was. For but a fleeting moment, she looked into her mother's eyes and found the woman she had once known. We let so many moments pass us by and when we want to make them stand still, we simply can't. Don't let life pass you by.

Next time financial woes creep into your life, think about the orphan, the widow and the homeless. We are richly blessed.

Most importantly, this Thanksgiving, this Christmas and every other day, find the time to love and bless others.

All that really matters in the end is that you loved.

Bring It On

You should be forewarned that I'm writing this more for myself than anything else and I am really just venting. I am a writer and when I'm sad or frustrated or mad or confused, I write. It's what I do.

I took Hayden to the doctor today for the fourth time in two weeks and we still don't really have any answers. He has huge lumps in the back of his throat, several enlarged lymph nodes and his tonsils are enlarged. We didn't really get good or bad news today. All of those things are not necessarily bad in and of themselves, but if he doesn't improve, then we have to take the next step to figure out if there is a more serious issue. We go back to the ENT in six weeks for another evaluation. If he hasn't improved, they might have to remove one of the lymph nodes in his neck and send it for biopsy or discuss the possibility of a tonsillectomy.

I will not tiptoe around the fact that they might have to rule out lymphoma. I really, truly don't think that is what we are dealing with and I'm not going to be consumed by fear. Am I worried? Absolutely. Does it make me sad and frustrated that yet again we are dealing with sickness and that lymphoma even has to cross my mind? Certainly. But I have said it before and I will say it again, my God is the same today as He was yesterday. Period. No matter how big or how small this issue is, He will see us through like He has every other time.

We have paid literally thousands of dollars in medical bills in the last two years. This has caused me much financial stress because I am a worrier by nature and we are feeling the effects of the economy just like everyone else. I quit my full-time job to work from home and keep Hayden out of daycare and that came with a smaller paycheck. While the companies Garrett and I work for are stable, there are still the mumblings of financial troubles that linger and we are not ignorant to that fact. It seems as though the financial mountain keeps getting steeper and we are not equipped to climb it.

I am starting to feel like I'm losing the battle, but I will not let that happen. Why? Because God has shown up for us every single time and I know he's not going to let me down now. I should not lack faith, but have it all the more because I have been a recipient of His grace on more occasions than I deserve. I have been through way more than I thought I could handle and am a stronger person because of it.

We discussed on Sunday how sometimes God brings you to nothingness for you to truly see Him. I think back to when we moved here and how we weren't even sure if we were going to be able to buy a house. We didn't hardly know anyone and I still missed my family terribly. I started a job I soon began to hate and really struggled to find my place. Hayden got RSV the week after we got here and it started going downhill from there. It was definitely a low point in my life.

Then I think about how far we've come and know that the glory belongs to the One who brought us here. We bought a house and have turned it into our home. Six months after we moved here, I got pregnant with no idea how we were going to afford another child. We found an amazing church and people to share in community. We received unexpected raises. We have endured surgery after surgery, illness after illness and yet here we are. I found my purpose in my job and was then blessed with the opportunity to work from home when I was trying to figure out how to keep Hayden out of daycare and still provide income. We had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. We somehow find the money to pay our bills every month even when it doesn't make sense on paper. Some may call it coincidence, but there is only one explanation for it all and we certainly can't take the credit for it. He is mighty to save.

I refuse to let the weight of our "burdens" take root in our marriage and the lives of our children. We have each other and we have so many things to be thankful for. We have been put to the test, but many others have fought harder battles than this. I'm just glad I don't have to fight it alone.

I am not trying to sugarcoat the facts and pretend that I don't struggle with these things. However, I know this:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
his mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning
 
And that is why I wake up every morning and keep on going. That is also why we forgive the unforgivable, love the unlovable and reach the unreachable...why we love the orphan and the widow and the homeless and the addict. His mercies are new every morning. It's a simple truth. It's not about religion. It's about loving people no matter where they are because that is what Christ has done for us. I haven't always done this right, but I have learned much since then.

So, what now? I trudge onward, pray fervently and keep fighting the good fight. I prepare myself for the next curveball and to the world I say BRING. IT. ON.

God Loves a Cheerful Giver

 Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 

2 Corinthians 9:7

We've all heard that verse a million times, but do we really think about what it means? This verse keeps surfacing in my head as I am learning to step out of my comfort zone.

We take turns hosting our community group and while I love to plan things, make the invitations and find the perfect decorations, I am not what you would call the "hostess with the mostest." Let's not even talk about the fact that I. don't. cook.

When I didn't have any children, my house was really clean, laundry was folded and put away, dishes were washed and everything was in its place. When I had one child, the house was sort of clean, laundry was washed at least, dishes usually made it to the dishwasher and most things were in their place. And now...ha! Laundry can usually be found anywhere but where it belongs, the playroom looks like a bomb went off and nothing is ever in its place. This causes me much stress, but there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day regardless of how hard I try to manage my time between work and the boys.

As I prepared for our group to come over last night, I kept reminding myself of this verse. Yes, it took me a long time to get everything in order, but I am always blessed to open up our home to these people that have helped me find a place here and it makes it all worth it.

I have started volunteering for something through our church and last week was my first week to go. I was running late and didn't know exactly where I was going and was a little apprehensive about going because of the location. As I was frantically trying to get there in time thinking about exactly what I was getting myself into, I again reminded myself of this verse and said a quick prayer that if this is where God wanted me to be that day everything would work out perfectly. And it did. I made it all the way across town, and I live in a really big town, through interstate traffic with three minutes to spare. The girl I had been emailing with pulled up at the same time I did and showed me right where to go. I was worried about having both kids and if I would even be of any use, but Hayden was a picture perfect child (which is not normally the cast at all) and Hudson slept most of the time. I am glad I didn't just throw in the towel and not go because I was having a rough morning. I needed to be there.

It comes down to the simple fact that if we are giving wholeheartedly, unconditionally and cheerfully, God works out the rest. Whether it is time, money, talents, whatever it may be, you will be blessed in return.

I WIll Carry You

 

 Warning: Tissue required.

I have read Angie's blog for more than two years, but this book paints an even more intimate picture of her story. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has lost a child or is walking alongside someone who has. It is also good for any parent to read and appreciate the miraculous gift of life. I downloaded a free version on my ereader, but I will be buying a copy as well.

She shares how to deal with grief and the gripping questions of losing a child through the story of Lazarus. She also gives valuable perspective on how to react to someone grieving and her husband shares how men grieve differently than women. One of the most profound paragraphs in the book says this:

One of the common veins is the feeling that they had to "move on," "get over it," "appreciate what they have" and similar suggestions. I can tell you as a mother who has experienced losing a baby: it isn't going to happen. Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride. You cannot rush grief. Read that again, and let it soak in as you either walk through it or alongside someone who is in the midst of it.

Since I found out I was pregnant with Hayden, I have tried not to let fear consume me, yet I have not walked into any doctor's visit or ulstrasound without praying for God, the giver of life,  to make his presence known in that room. The good news is that we can find comfort in knowing that He is the same when we walk out of that room as He was when we walked in. Each day is a gift and I embrace the time I have been given to spend with my children and the ones I love.

Angie is a beautifully gifted writer and you will feel like you are sitting in the room with her as you read. I can't say enough about it. Read this book.

Fightin' the good fight.

Fearless

We went to church this morning and as the band started playing you could hear this voice singing loudly above the rest. Everyone's first thought, including mine, was to look around and stare and wonder who in the world was singing so off key.

Then I saw him. A man confined to a wheelchair, bound by an obvious disability, yet he had his arms raised high and was praising the Lord who made him perfect in His eyes, unaware of what others around him thought. Why can't we all praise our Lord with such fearless abandonment?

As we sang the chorus to "Everlasting" I couldn't help but listen to this man and think about how God deserves so, so much more from me. He truly was praising from the inside out despite what this cruel world has dealt him.

The things of this world will never fully satisfy the needs that God has already met and I only hope that I can seek Him with fearless abandonment like this man.

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out

Grow in Grace

We had Hudson's dedication at church yesterday and as always, it was an awesome service!

Our sweet friends Tyler and Amy that prayed over Hudson

They have twins and are expecting a third. We can't wait to meet their newest addition!

Our little family :)

Hudson, we love you and we are committed to raising you in a home that reflects God's love. We pray that you will grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and walk in faith.

Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and forever. 2 Peter 3:18

Heavy Heart

**I wrote this last night and saved it because I didn't know if I wanted to post it or not. I believe it was intended to be posted. I hope that my heart is understood.

I have been wanting to write about this for a while, but didn't know how until tonight. Since Hayden was born, I have been tremendously touched by women who have been unable to conceive, lost children or had complications during pregnancy. When we discovered Hayden had a fetal liver calcification when I was 20 weeks pregnant and then hip dysplasia when he was two weeks old, God revealed to me that "the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you." I knew that I had been blessed and that if indeed those conditions were going to become serious, we would be okay and we would certainly not be alone. I just remember thinking that I should be thankful and count my blessings because it could be worse. It was at that point that I truly felt the grace of God and the miracle we had been given. Fortunately, everything turned out to be fine and I am truly thankful for that.

I have struggled with understanding why Hayden is healthy and so many amazing women of God have suffered such loss. I felt undeserving. So, I have been praying about it for months. I asked God to let me bear some of the burden for these women when it became too much for them. I believe my prayer has been answered for as I write this my heart is heavy, a heart full of sadness, yet inspired by faith and hope. I discovered that tomorrow is the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I listened to a woman speak today and one thing that stood out to me was when she said that you have to "meet people where they are. " So, I want to meet these women where they are in their darkest moments of grief, share in their sadness and pray that they will find peace. I know that I could not possibly fully comprehend what they are feeling and I am not attempting to. I just want to take the time to help them in some small way. That is my way of giving back. Some I know by name, many I do not, but God knows each and every one of them and I pray that he will wrap his arms around them and carry them through. I found out a few days ago that an old friend lost her baby girl at 38 weeks to placental abruption. My heart absolutely breaks for her and I ask that you lift her up along with anyone else you know that has gone through this.