Bittersweet

Bittersweet. That is a great title for this post because I have mixed feelings about the things of which I am going to write about. Warning, this will be a long post.

First off, WE'RE MOVING! Garrett is graduating with his master's in architecture in December and he got a job at an architecture firm in Austin. I am very excited for him and excited to move on to the next chapter in our life, but I love my job and I'm going to be very sad to leave it. I have been job hunting and not having much luck and I'm feeling a bit disappointed. Part of the problem is that I want to keep doing exactly what I'm doing and that's not going to happen so I have a bad attitude. I have the world's greatest boss and I know she will never be replaced. I am trying to keep an open mind and know that God has something great planned for me. I just have to wait and let it happen in his time, not my own.

On that note, I sometimes envy those of you that stay at home with your precious little ones. I don't love the idea of him going to daycare, but one thing I do know is that I love him just the same. I also love my work. Does that make me a bad mom? Hopefully not. He is doing great at daycare and interacting with others and developing wonderfully. I have even considered finding something in Austin that I can do from home. I want to be a great mom and spend as much time with him as possible, but I also want to work. He knows he is loved and I spend every moment with him making sure of that. Again, I have to let God decide what it is I should be doing.

We went to Austin on Friday because I had an interview and we went back through San Angelo. We got ready to leave Sunday night and actually made it as far as the gas station. My mom wanted to keep Hayden, but I didn't think I could leave him. Well, we ended up driving back to my parent's house and letting him stay. Again, bittersweet. I was sad to leave him and cried of course, but I want him to come to know and love the family I know and love. And not just on an every now and then weekend basis. Our weekends in San Angelo are chaos sometimes. Garrett's family and my family are both there. I believe this actually makes things more difficult because you are expected to be everywhere at once and somehow manage to cram everything and everyone into two short days. I want him to have more than that. While, I was obviously very sad to leave him, I knew that he would do fine because he is too young to really know the difference or to have separation anxiety. He has done great and they've had so much fun! However, I am meeting my mom tomorrow to pick him up because I really miss him.

And lastly, I have officially stopped breastfeeding. This is definitely a bittersweet moment for me. We have struggled through jaundice, latching issues, reflux, oversupply, dairy sensitivity (along with sensitivity to pretty much everything I ate) and nursing strike. I am very proud to say that I made it almost six months, working full time, even after all of that. I had to start pumping when he was four days old because his bilirubin level was really high and he had latching issues. We survived that and a week later he was nursing like a champ. I had to start pumping again when he was a month old to save and freeze for when I went back to work and I've been pumping ever since. I pumped 2-3 times a day at work. It just got to the point that while still beneficial, it wasn't enjoyable for either one of us and we would both end in tears. He is a big, hungry baby and I just wasn't cutting it for him anymore which led to a nursing strike and then self-weaning. He never skipped a beat...never really missed it. I knew then that it was okay for me to stop. I wanted to stop several times before that, but I let the guilt get to me and kept going. I still feel guilty in some ways, but I would be lying if I didn't say I feel a huge relief. My aunt is a lactation specialist and she has been very supportive and encouraging during this whole process which makes me feel much better.

Sorry for the long post.